The Totes Horny Roundup

CT Scenic has been consistent and efficient in providing you dear readers with solid recommendations on local music, food, arts culture, and nightlife (well, maybe not recently... this Scenic has personally been busy kicking off the summer with a good old fashioned bender, my bad!), but one area of content that has been glaringly absent is the seedy underbelly of Connecticut! So, here is the scenic guide to CT's perviest places, and stuff to do when you're totes horny.

Adult Films. People are often surprised to find out that old fashioned adult movie houses still exist, and even more surprised to hear that we have one right here in Hartford. 3/4 of Team Scenic have actually been to the Art Cinema; not with debaucherous intentions, but to watch a burlesque documentary as part of the Hartford Film Festival. We didn't care for the movie, but were quite taken by the scenery of the rundown movie house, the porn film canisters laying about, and the general air of sleaze. And the fun doesn't stop there, oh no! Connecticut is actually home to two adult theaters, the other being the Fairmount in East Haven.

Swingers. We are aware that Hartford has an onsite swinger's club, located in a nondescript building in a shady neighborhood, that you've probably driven by a bunch of times without even realizing the pervery that goes on in there. Team Scenic is not, at this time, able to give you any kind of investigative reporting on this joint, but according to their website, they have a kickass buffet.

Ok, tangent, just for a moment? I've always been slightly disturbed by the Kahoots tagline: Lunch with a View. The thought of enjoying a turkey club while staring at a naked woman humping the floor for dollars just seems so... ew. And now, I wonder about these swingers lining up to serve themselves some baked ziti and garlic bread in the middle of reenacting a scene from Caligula. Are they naked at the buffet? Did the owners install genital guards as well as sneeze guards?

And oh yeah, speaking of strip clubs! A little piece of trivia: you are not allowed to wear SuperScenic glasses in The Gold Club. Why? We don't know! Sometimes you just know to keep your mouth shut and take off your damn glasses when the man tells you to.

Motels. The Berlin Turnpike is pretty much the go-to for any kind of motel sleaze you're looking for; there are plenty of pay by the hour rooms with huge mirrors, themed rooms such as the exotic Jungle Room (grr!). Actually, The Berlin Turnpike is probably 80% sleazy motels.








Adult Stores. Well, they're all over the damn place. Perhaps you even have one of those superstores in your town, and the townsfolk got all enraged when they found out about it. A successful chain in CT is VIP, and when I was there the other day, you know- doing research, I was disappointed to see that they no longer carry my favorite ill-advised adult novelty, The Fist. Literally, its a big rubber arm and fist.

















We're sure there's much more where this came from, and don't be too shy to tell us about what goes on in your freaky little town. CT Scenic: dedicated to culturally well-rounded journalism!