What Not To Hear: Matt & Kim

Friday, November 5: Matt & Kim @ Toad's Place, New Haven

(M & K)

An indie connoisseur recently put the question to me: Which couple/duo band is more insufferable - Mates of State or Matt & Kim. I picked Mates of State, since I've actually weathered their abusive live act and singled them out here before, but Matt & Kim were not familiar to me (my indie cred failure showing). Well, I've given them a listen, and true enough, I don't like them either. In fact, I really can't tolerate any of these smug-fuck happy couple musical acts and seriously, they can all just go get a room. And lock the god damn door. Maybe this is all about me and my inability to sustain relationships of ANY kind - other than imaginary polyamory with the other Scenics, of course - but I'm not giving them, or any of their precious twee self-congratulatory ilk a pass. Except the White Stripes, whose romantic aspect was so dead by the time they made it they presented themselves as brother and sister. Now that's endearing!

Seriously though, you'd want to punch either of these bands just looking at them, wouldn't you?

(Mates)

Here, watch Kim stroke her neck and bare her teeth adoringly while Matt babbles effeminately for four minutes about NOTHING:


See how a worthwhile artistic couple does it, Matt and Kim. Watch as Yoko also just kind of sits there, probably tearing up her cuticles, while John spouts off intellectually defending his (great) song title, "Woman is the Nigger of the World." Damn.

What Not To Hear: Cute Is What We Aim For

Friday, Oct. 22: Cute Is What We Aim For @ Webster Theater, Hartford

Condensed version: Dude, you missed.

Long-winded version: I haven't posted any "What Not To Hear" lately, because as I've sometimes explained to friends who humor my talking about my blog, this feature is reserved for those acts that trigger my gag reflex, not just bands I don't particularly like. I've avoided knowing anything about this band based on their stupid contempo emo-punk name, and then I saw this dude's picture, who is sooo not at all cute, and that punch-me-in-the-face expression, so what is that, irony? Further investigation revealed their music is every bit as blandly terrible as you'd expect from the name and the look. Their schtick seems to be lyrics about being such clever and awkward dudes, juxtaposed with endless video imagery of hot, scantily clad chicks, but somehow we're supposed to recognize that they are actually above the stupidity of hot chicks (because hot = dumb & shallow) and the obviousness of video girls, because irony again?

If any of you can somehow manage a tourbus hang with these guys, let me know whether the girls are "provocative and talkative" or "shallow as a shower."

What Not To Hear: Carbon 9 cover Danzig's Mother

Yeah, I just covered Danzig's mother too. Get it? Cuz she's easy?

(JK, Danzig - love you - xoxo)

But seriously, earlier today I heard a godawful cover version of Danzig's classic "Mother" and, well, I just threw up in my ears a little bit. Now, not everyone needs to love Danzig, or even like metal, but sometimes a great song is a great song. And "Mother" is a great song, thanks to three great power chords that go great together, Glenn Danzig's sexy baritone an charmingly predatory antisocial message. Internet research suggests that what I heard was this:

Though it's certainly possible that many, many crappy covers of this song are floating around out there.

Personally I have a deep affection for Danzig, regardless of their extremely hit or miss track record (of tracks - ha!), so I take this half-assed remake as a personal insult. Danzig the first band I got to see live in a club (The Sting in New Britain, with then-unknowns Korn and Marilyn Manson) and "Mother" (the live '93 version to be exact) was a ubiquitous radio staple in my formative years as a music-head. And like I said it's just great. Here, relive it:

Carbon 9's (whoever they are) abomination is overproduced nu-metal nightmare which mistakes style for substance and makes the hideous errors of reducing the song's tempo, forgoing the powerful opening riff, and diminishing the song's melodic qualities due to vocal limitations which no doubt define the rest of their repertoire.

Now taking the tempo down on a great song isn't always a bad thing. It can bring out emotional dimensions or make room for instrumental and melodic exploration, as when Lady Gaga covers herself, or some random fans cover her. But Carbon 9 have nothing to contribute except for random electronic whooshing and weak, tortured post-grunge vocals. They come across as a pathos-deficient watered down Marilyn Manson - too little, a decade and a half too late.

In point of fact, when doing a cover, a band ought to try and make it their own - otherwise it's just karaoke. Unfortunately, Carbon 9's own just happens to suck.

I haven't seen Danzig live in probably 10 years, so I can't vouch for his current line-up, body or vocal condition, but you can catch him live in NYC June 18 at the Nokia Theatre.

What Not To Hear: Andrew W.K.

Friday, Feb. 19: Andrew W.K. @ Hartford, I Love You - Wadsworth Atheneum, Hartford

We are as impressed as anyone else with the success of the hilariously named Hartford Party Starters Union, and congratulate them on one year of excellent party starting. We are excited that they landed a gig at the very respectable Wadsworth Atheneum, and amazed that they landed such a high-profile (and appropriately "party" obsessed) headliner as Andrew W.K. We understand this FREE(!) show has a limited capacity (700) and is expected to fill up. Some of our friends have expressed concern as to whether they will be able to get in.

And to them we say: Don't worry about it. Andrew W.K. may be handsome (in a long lost relative of Katie Scenic kind of way), and seems very likable and sweet, especially in those hyperactive interview modes he gets into where he talks about how awesome it is when the crowd goes wild and everyone is just getting up on stage and hugging it out and stuff. But let's face it, his music is just not good. It's very funny that he says "party" like a million times, his titles are amusing, and if it's true that he is "classically trained" (we played in the orchestra in middle school, does that make us classically trained too?) then, ok, sure it's slightly interesting/ironic that he should choose to play silly dance rock trash. But seriously, what are you going to do with that? Start a mosh? Hug some random dude with plugs and a hoodie? Gross.

"Hartford, I Love You," is sure to be a seriously rowdy party - maybe the last the the Atheneum will ever want to host. But we aren't going to sweat it if we miss out.

What Not To Hear: Mates of State

(Mates of State look as annoying, smug and unlikeable as they sound)

Whilst scanning the calendars for upcoming events of interest, I was dismayed to see the Mates of State are coming to CT (and MA) this month. I've hated this band for years, ever since incidentally seeing them live opening up for Feist in NYC, and have avoided them completely in the meantime. Therefor, in the interest of "keeping it real," I offer you what I had to say about them after that unfortunate gig in February of 2006:

Unfortunately [Feist] had the shittiest opening band ever, Mates of State. the crowd was pretty friendly toward them though, which i guess is a big difference between hipsters and metalheads, who wouldn't hesitate to shout 'you suck!' Mates of State is like 2 hyperactive sexually confused teenagers on Rrozac and Ridlin shouting in your fucking ears for 10 songs in a row that sound like the same crap song. A wonderful example of how people can be both "talented" and "creative" and yet still "suck royally."

Avoid this band Feb. 19 at the Iron Horse and Feb. 20 at the Space.

What Not To Hear: Vampire Weekend

Some pop culture artifacts are so mindless and dumb they aren't even worth acknowledging with a snotty blog post, but Vampire Weekend doesn't just have the top album in the country right now, they are also critical darlings. When actually they suck. I don't know when I've heard a more bafflingly annoying song than "Cousins." (Seriously, wtf is this guy on about?) At first I thought this band was pleasantly twee; this feels like a pretentious quirkfest.

Further, they have drawn comparisons to Paul Simon from such disparate outlets as the AV Club and our own Hartford Advocate (who has prematurely ejaculated them the top albums of the year list). Yeah, Paul Simon. Of the many classic artists I was subjected to as a child on interminable car ride singalongs to poorly dubbed cassettes, which time and maturity have since vindicated, Paul Simon has proved an irredeemable stinker. This is like a few years ago, when suddenly it was hip to sound like the Eagles. I mean, really?

Ugh, and if I have to hear another word about how these guys make "literary" music because they attended Columbia University. Yay, liberal arts. Yeah, public school teachers are real intellectual giants. When was the last time you listened to "literary" indie rockers, the Decemberists? That's right, you've since thought better of it.

Keep off the bandwagon. Avoid embarrassing downplaying and justification later by not loving this tripe up now.

What Not To Hear: Halestorm (Again!)

Friday, Jan. 1: Halestorm @ The Wolf Den, Mohegan Sun Casino

Oh, look, I already had a fit about this awful outfit, back in October when they played Hartford. It's all still true (and funny).

What Not to Hear: Shakira feat. Lil Wayne

We think Shakira is a hot hot girl, and in the past we have been charmed by her adorable lyrics about small breasts and her frankness regarding sexuality in general, but this latest single, "Give it Up to Me," featuring Lil Wayne is just gross, thanks to Mr. Wayne's opening pillowtalk: "You can go up my crane girl, and I'ma go down that drain girl."

We are all for reciprocity in the sack and are trying very hard to appreciate that it's the sentiment that counts, however any partners referring to our girlybits in terms usually reserved for sewage: you just killed the mood fucking dead, you are the weakest link, goodbye, etc. We're pretty sure this wasn't the gag reflex you were aiming for.

What Not to Hear: Matisyahu

Tuesday, Dec. 1 (srsly, wtf!?): Matisyahu @ The Webster, Hartford

I'm a little late throwing it up here, obvs, but speaking of throwing up, I'm sure glad I spent this evening watching the new 90210 and Melrose Place and not checking out Matisyahu's special blend of Hasidic Judaism, hip-hop and reggae. Because religious orthodoxy is fucking stupid.

omg wtf?

Monday, Nov. 16 @ The Space, Hamden

I was just browsing around, wondering there were any cool things happening in CT this weekend or ever. Over on The Space's calendar, I stumbled across a mysterious listing for a "1^st Annual Christian Metal Night." This concept of "Christian metal" is destined to clusterfuckery as it is, but the only link for this gig is some total assclown's MySpace page, which features a bunch of Christian rap performed karaoke style by the artist I presume to be "King James," purveyor of "off the hook Christian rap from crunk styles to reggaeton with classical." Further futile investigation on Youtube tells me there's an actual Christian metal band that can play instruments and stuff, also called King James, but they appear to have no affiliation with the assclown or gig in question. Alas, I am not available to attend this intriguing happening, but hope that some other godless heathen will and let me know what's up!

What Not To Hear: Halestorm

Friday, Oct. 30: Halestorm @ The Webster, Hartford

Frontwoman Lizzie Hale is a babe, no doubt about it. But lest you think we are hating on her for being a moderately successful rocker lady and we're not, let it be known that we like looking at hot chicks, and place no genitalia restrictions on musicians we'll listen to.

Unfortunately Halestorm is just a contemporary cock rock band with a vagina on top, or in the front, or whatever. They don't even bother turning the tables on the expected misogyny. Bland nu-metal is plenty bad enough on it's musical merits alone, but Halestorm go the extra inch with gag-inducing lyrics. Their radio hit, "I Get Off" is all about how excruciatingly hot it is to have some voyeur watch you and think he's getting away with something, but then HAHA, no he isn't, because you're twisted and you love that shit. You win!

Somehow we suspect that Lizzie is not so amorous towards actual stalkers, peeping toms and dressing room crashers. But hey, whatever it takes to get the neanderthal demographic to pay up.

P.S. Sick Hot Topic wardrobe, guys. We totally shopped there. In high school.

What Not To Hear: Mohegan Sun Edition

This Weekend @ Mohegan Sun

Like Axl Rose said, it's all a gamble when it's just a game, but you can bet on an ear-bleeding marathon of suck this weekend at Mohegan Sun Casino. How do you like our puns, by the way?

It begins with AI alum Kelly Clarkson, performing this Friday night. We find that a lot of otherwise reasonable people seem to like the karaoke champ, often for such inane nonmusical reasons as "she doesn't dress like a slut" and "she's not super skinny." Well, awesome, they would probably love us too! We'll get that record out asap. In the meantime, we're just not that into middle-of-the-road pop propelled to superstardom by middle aged middle America.

Next up we have KISS (performing Saturday). While we appreciate their frankness on subjects like the pursuit of personal wealth and sexy womens, we suppose we can respectfully agree to disagree with them and their legion of fans on the entertainment value of men in clown suits playing bland repetitive hard rock in front of fire works. If we're going to get down to costumed performers, we prefer a little shock with our rock.

It hardly seems fair to mention wash-ups Warrant in the same breath (post, whatever) as the aforementioned headliners, but while you're avoiding bad music at Mohegan Sun this weekend, you may as well also not see Warrant perform Sunday night. Former pretty boy turned not-at-all pretty Celebrity Fit Club contestant Jani Lane isn't even the band anymore, and what is an 80s hair ensemble without their original frontman?

What Not to Hear: Shwayze

Wednesday: Shwayze @ Toad's Place

We're not quite clear as to whether Shwayze is just the black dude or the collaborative black hole (get it? they SUCK!) that forms when that guy gets together with greasy rich douche Cisco Adler (embarrassing fameball son of Lou), but we know we wouldn't take money to go see them play, or perform, or whatever it is they do this Wednesday at Toad's Place and we've yet to make it all the way through any of their musical odes to drinking and girls and doing nothing for a living. You can try and hear them out, or better yet, just don't.

What Not to Hear: Cobra Starship

Luckily, you don't even have the option of going to see Cobra Starship at the Webster this Friday in Hartford, because this show has sold the fuck out! Congrats Cobra Starship! And congratulations too, on achieving such utter vacuousness and absolute musical irrelevance that not even a couple of avowed Lady Gaga fans can detect any redeeming qualities among the sweaty American Apparel threads.