The Totes Horny Roundup

CT Scenic has been consistent and efficient in providing you dear readers with solid recommendations on local music, food, arts culture, and nightlife (well, maybe not recently... this Scenic has personally been busy kicking off the summer with a good old fashioned bender, my bad!), but one area of content that has been glaringly absent is the seedy underbelly of Connecticut! So, here is the scenic guide to CT's perviest places, and stuff to do when you're totes horny.

Adult Films. People are often surprised to find out that old fashioned adult movie houses still exist, and even more surprised to hear that we have one right here in Hartford. 3/4 of Team Scenic have actually been to the Art Cinema; not with debaucherous intentions, but to watch a burlesque documentary as part of the Hartford Film Festival. We didn't care for the movie, but were quite taken by the scenery of the rundown movie house, the porn film canisters laying about, and the general air of sleaze. And the fun doesn't stop there, oh no! Connecticut is actually home to two adult theaters, the other being the Fairmount in East Haven.

Swingers. We are aware that Hartford has an onsite swinger's club, located in a nondescript building in a shady neighborhood, that you've probably driven by a bunch of times without even realizing the pervery that goes on in there. Team Scenic is not, at this time, able to give you any kind of investigative reporting on this joint, but according to their website, they have a kickass buffet.

Ok, tangent, just for a moment? I've always been slightly disturbed by the Kahoots tagline: Lunch with a View. The thought of enjoying a turkey club while staring at a naked woman humping the floor for dollars just seems so... ew. And now, I wonder about these swingers lining up to serve themselves some baked ziti and garlic bread in the middle of reenacting a scene from Caligula. Are they naked at the buffet? Did the owners install genital guards as well as sneeze guards?

And oh yeah, speaking of strip clubs! A little piece of trivia: you are not allowed to wear SuperScenic glasses in The Gold Club. Why? We don't know! Sometimes you just know to keep your mouth shut and take off your damn glasses when the man tells you to.

Motels. The Berlin Turnpike is pretty much the go-to for any kind of motel sleaze you're looking for; there are plenty of pay by the hour rooms with huge mirrors, themed rooms such as the exotic Jungle Room (grr!). Actually, The Berlin Turnpike is probably 80% sleazy motels.








Adult Stores. Well, they're all over the damn place. Perhaps you even have one of those superstores in your town, and the townsfolk got all enraged when they found out about it. A successful chain in CT is VIP, and when I was there the other day, you know- doing research, I was disappointed to see that they no longer carry my favorite ill-advised adult novelty, The Fist. Literally, its a big rubber arm and fist.

















We're sure there's much more where this came from, and don't be too shy to tell us about what goes on in your freaky little town. CT Scenic: dedicated to culturally well-rounded journalism!

Mrs. Murphy's: out-of-state indie donuts

Last month Katie Scenic had the best donuts ever at Dough in Brooklyn, NY; last week, Katie and Jackie followed up on a hot tip from a coworker and crossed another CT border to try Mrs. Murphy's donuts in Southwick, MA (which is only like 20 miles from headquarters, so no big deal... we've been this far for donuts before).

The Scenics were joined by Vet Tech Gene and professional ice cream model Dayna (you may remember her from our post about delicious Abby Dabby ice cream in West Hartford), who happened to hit it off over their shared exotic hobby, spinning poi. Everyone in the crew shared an interest in donuts. Alas, it was mid afternoon on a Sunday, so Mrs. Murphy's was sold out of jellies and creams, with only the plainer varieties - crullers, glazes, cinnamon - left. The donuts were huge, which is a good start.

Dayna thought she'd try her hand at donut modeling. 

This is very clever - see, she's spelling "cool" with the glasses and the donut... But that's so literal. Strictly commercial stuff. Not everyone has what it takes to do donut editorial. But her work with ice cream is seriously edgy shit. There's a lot of nuance to food modeling.

The chocolate donuts were a particular hit - having a very subtle, not-too-sweet flavor. The cinnamon was a little dry and cakey for Scenic tastes (we've spoken of donut purity - our preference for a a fried dough-like texture and flavor). The iced coffee was rather terrible, but is available by the bucketful, if size is your thing. Speaking of size, Vet Tech Gene is new to the gang, but somehow guessed at our love of lowbrow humor and dick jokes. He hasn't even seen the blog, but he was blown away by the crullers and wanted to make sure we would let our readers know they were the biggest and thickest he/we'd ever seen - far superior to ordinary crullers in length and girth. "It's so unsatisfying when you just put it your mouth and it's all over in two bites." What a donut perv! He can come and eat donuts with us any time. In fact, we'll be sure and head back to Mrs. Murphy's real soon for some followup, because we can't truly assess the joint without trying the jellies. Right?!

There's more to being Pretend Boyfriends than just increasingly embarrassing blog posts

We acknowledge the possibility that some of the bands we're totes horny for may find our affections a little embarrassing, or wish that we would talk more about their great music than their good looks - you know, the beautiful ones always want to be told they're smart, the smart ones want to be told they're beautiful. *YAWN* Anyway, we obviously think they're music is good if we're spending our time reviewing it and telling you to go to their shows. If you want to know what they sound like, click the god damn links. When we say total package, we mean total package.

As esteemed members of the imaginary press, we take advantage of our band boys, demanding their free music, attempting to monopolize their attention at shows, asking them to pose for foolish pictures. And they are always so obliging! We give them blog support sure, but do any of you lazy bums even show up 99% of the time? Well, today we gave something back. Two of our pretend boyfriends from Black Taxi found themselves stranded with a dead car in New Britain today en route from New Hampshire. Katie Scenic got the word from their publicist and immediately ditched her plans with her real-life friends to bail the guys out. (JK, she had no plans - seriously, Fitzscenic is out of town, DH had a gig, and Jackie was, like, scissoring or something.) She found the fellas lounging handsomely near the baseball field and delivered them to New Haven's Union Station. What an awesome fake girlfriend!

What better excuse to start blogging after a month of dead air than to talk about what swell people we can be when we really want to. And one more time, here's Black Taxi:

Somebody around here book these guys, eh?